


what am i even here for

by pictureperfectwatermelon



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Langst, Misunderstandings, One Shot, Team Bonding, Team Feels, Team as Family, shiro and coran are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10956267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pictureperfectwatermelon/pseuds/pictureperfectwatermelon
Summary: "I’m just lance! I’m just a boy from Cuba. I have a space gun, but I’m not exactly proficient at using it. I don’t really contribute to the team besides being here.” The fact that a person could see themselves as so insignificant, and truly believe it, didn’t seem like something that could happen. Everyone had to have some ounce of self worth, but Lance didn’t seem to have any.





	what am i even here for

The Paladins of Voltron were sitting in the lounge area, taking a break after a hard day of training. Lance had been sitting, his mind running miles and miles his feet couldn’t carry him. The moment they stopped training his mood plummeted. Everyone on the team had some job or personality, or something to bring to the table. Keith was regarded as their generation’s best pilot. He was agile, had a powerful connection to his lion, and fought like it was second nature. He was also promoted to leader in the absence of Shiro, and could pilot the Black Lion like she was his lion. Pidge was only 14 and knew all the ins and outs of basically all technology. In a matter of seconds she could hack, program or reprogram anything. She knew technology like it was the back of her hand, and the ability to create came naturally to her and her lion. Hunk had the biggest heart in the universe. So understanding, patient, and good at reading people. He was also a great engineer, and a just as good cook. Everything he made, from his machines to food would always turn out well. Hunk could take the most basic materials and make something useful out of it. 

Princess Allura was a literal princess, and was completely deserving of the title. She was a master of diplomacy and a skilled tactician. At times she can be impulsive and self sacrificing, but so was half the team. Coran ran the whole ship, usually alone, and took care of them. He worked hard to keep the positive atmosphere of the team up, and while Allura and Keith were hard on the team, he rewarded them and let them relax.

When put into perspective, Lance seemed like a pretty useless addition the the team. The team already had enough impulsive members, and his rash decisions were seen as more annoying than heroic. He wasn’t talented enough to be a leader. They already had tacticians, so no one would bother to listen to his plan. He had no skills in engineering, or technology. Hunk was already the carebear. Pidge was the younger sibling type. All the tropes were pretty much taken besides the wise-cracking, flirty type. But no one enjoyed his flirting, except maybe Hunk (only when the pickup line wasn’t dirty), and the girls they met on different planets, who they’d never see again. He could make jokes but most of them were ignored, or he delivered them at inappropriate times, so he got in trouble.

He was just the useless seventh wheel. Serves no purpose.

“What am I even here for?” He had asked. The more he thought about it, the more the answer to the question became obscure. It made no sense. He’s just an extra mouth to feed, to shelter, and to deal with.

Except, outside of Lance’s bubble, his team members were looking at him like he had grown another head.

“Uhhh? What? W-what do you mean by that?” Hunk asked. The question had came out of nowhere. One moment they were chilling in the lounge after a tough training session, having small conversations and trying to catch their breath. Hunk had noticed that Lance was being strangely non-hyperverbal, but Keith had pushed him pretty hard this session, so he assumed that was the reason why. His friend looked small. His body language was negative. His arms were crossed and his legs were tightly pressed together. He was looking down into his lap with an intense expression of what looked like concern.

“What am I even here for?”

“No, w-we heard you the first time. It’s just…” Hunk was lost for words. He looked over at Pidge, Keith and Allura. They looked just as confused as him (and Keith had an expression that was some mixture of fear and shock). 

“It’s just that.. That’s really weird to say..?” Pidge awkwardly finished his sentence.

“How is it weird?” Lance snapped back. His tone indicated he was also agitated. Pidge flushed red in embarrassment.

“It’s not  _ weird.  _ It’s just out of nowhere and unlike you. Strangely philosophical..” Hunk explained while also trying to keep a humorous tone. The pauses between their words was dead silent. The room was completely still.

“I can’t be philosophical?”

“That’s not what we’re saying.”

“Lance, you’ve just never acted this way. Ever. This is just not like you.” 

Through the entire exchange their leader, Keith stayed completely silent, tracing the conversation with his eyes. He hadn’t moved a muscle, and still had the same expression. Hunk wished he would wake from whatever trance he was in, because it was obvious Lance needed their help. 

“This  _ is  _ like me. This is me. You just... You guys just don’t know that.”

“O...kay. So. What do you mean by ‘what am I here for’?” Pidge asked. She set down her space caprisun and gave Lance her attention.

“What? What do you mean what do I mean? I mean exactly what I asked! Why am I even here? What’s my purpose? Why do you guys need me?” Lance’s fists were clenched. His teammates were playing dumb, and he couldn’t believe it. They obviously knew what he was talking about, but they probably felt too awkward or guilty to answer. Lance already knew what they would say. They would make up some fake excuses, before admitting that he serves no purpose on the team. That he’s only here because he happened to be around the right place at the right time, and was the only one who could pilot the Blue Lion. That all he really was was their chauffeur to their magical destiny, and after that he was useless.

“Lance. Dude. You can answer that question, can’t you? You know why you’re here.”

“Well, yeah! I was with you guys when we went to pick up Shiro. I could pilot Blue. I get that much, but what about after that? I play literally no major role!” He argued. Tensions were rising in the room.

“Lance, do you not want this responsibility?” Allura spoke. “Are you tired of piloting the Blue Lion, do you wish to forfeit your position?”

“Allura, don’t. Say that.” Keith finally spoke up, but it was nearly a whisper. Their leader was looking down at his lap, strangely subdued.

“What? That’s what it sounds like to me. I’m just trying to understand. If you’re just scared, or wishing you didn’t have to carry this responsibility on your back, I can get that. But you have to understand that Paladins have to be strong minded. You have to get over this, and start putting the universe before yourself. If you cannot do that, you are not suited to be a Paladin.”

“Allura.” Keith rose his voice, startling everyone in the room. Allura stayed silent, but kept her attention on Lance. 

“I’m sure that’s not what Lance meant. … Right?” Pidge asked.

“You can’t answer that for yourself? Is that how you think of me? Selfish?” Lance was slowly becoming hysterical. He was leaning forward in the couch, his voice raised. Pidge leaned back, startled, tears started forming in her eyes. 

“Lance, don’t be that way. She’s just trying to understand and help. She doesn’t think you’re selfish. No offense, but don’t be a dick.” Hunk would not stand for bullying, even if Lance wasn’t feeling 100%. He had a strong zero tolerance policy for bullying. Hunk scooted closer to Pidge and put his arm around her to comfort her. She silently said, “It’s okay,” to him. She was a tough kid, growing up way too fast. She was holding in tears, and was acting ridiculously mature. (War has changed them all.)

Lance huffed and sat back. “Sorry.” He said, although he didn’t really sound sorry.

“So, would you like to explain yourself, Lance?”

“What I mean is. Everyone on this team brings something to the table. You’re all incredibly talented at something, and follow some trope. Keith is impulsive, a great fighter and pilot, and the leader type. Hunk is a teddy bear, the engineer and occasionally the chef. Pidge is the younger sibling type, and she can hack, program and reprogram any piece of technology. Allura is a princess, that practically does all the explaining.

I’m just lance! I’m just a boy from Cuba. I have a space gun, but I’m not exactly proficient at using it. I don’t really contribute to the team besides  _ being here.  _ You get what I mean?” 

His explanation stunned the whole room into silence. His team members never realized that Lance felt so lowly of himself. He was practically comparing himself to nothing. The fact that a person could see themselves as so insignificant, and truly believe it, didn’t seem like something that could happen. Everyone had to have some ounce of self worth, but Lance didn’t seem to have any. None of his accomplishments meant anything in his eyes, and whether it was because they weren’t as big compared to the other teammates, or if it was because he’s set the bar so high for himself, they didn’t know. All that confidence the team assumed Lance had completely went down the drain, and the illusion broke. Lance was insecure. He had the lowest of all confidence. He had the lowest of low self esteem.

“Lance.. …” Lance looked at Pidge, his questioning eyes searching hers.

“We didn’t realize that you felt this way. …” Hunk finished. 

“I know. I hid it from you guys.”

"So?” Lance spoke after a minute of silence. “Nothing? I’m right, right? Nothing. I bring absolutely nothing to the table. I’m the dude who brings forks and spoons to a potluck. That’s me. Yup, completely useless, boring, unoriginal, not contributing.”

“No, you  _ do  _ contribute to the team!”

“Yes, you pilot the Blue Lion!” 

“And?” Lance snapped back. “Anyone can pilot the Blue Lion. If I died right now, someone else could be found. I’m not that special.”

“You always brighten the mood with your jokes!” Pidge said.

“Yeah, it’s not like any of you  _ like  _ my jokes. It usually just makes you cringe or something. I don’t see that as brightening the mood. Coran does a way better job than I do.” 

“Yeah but Coran tells weird jokes that we don’t really understand.”

“So you’d rather have shitty jokes none of you even like over a joke you simply don’t understand? Sounds masochistic.” 

“Lance, you’re like, my first friend from Garrison. One of my closest friends.”

“I can still be your friend, but that doesn’t explain why I’m here. Unless I’m just here to be your closest friend.” 

Hunk was afraid. Lance sounded like he was considering leaving the team, a decision that would negatively affect the team and the universe. If they had to take a break and find a new paladin, Voltron would be out of commission for an indefinite amount of time. Also, if Lance left, he would be leaving, thinking his friends thought he was useless, or got in the way. He would leave with a shitty self image, and Hunk could do nothing to help him if he left.

“Lance,” Keith said, finally speaking up, “You do help this team. So much, and I see that you don’t realize that.”

“You do, you really do!” 

“I…” Keith paused, and his face was flushed a light red. “Maybe you don’t remember all the times you kept me from making stupid, rash decisions… But you’ve done it so many times, and you shouldn’t have to, because I need to be a responsible leader, but you have. And I never thank you for it. I hope accept my thanks now, even though it’s long overdue. We’d be in so many shitty situations if you never stopped me.” Keith’s cheeks were red, and he was avoiding making eye contact with anyone in the room besides Lance. Lance’s arms were still crossed, and he still looked a little agitated.

“Yeah, and maybe you don’t realize it here, but Lance, you’re like my older brother.” Hunk’s heart skipped a beat. “In the absence of Matt, I felt so lonely. I didn’t have anyone to talk to who could sort of relate to me, or understand me. Or someone who would listen to my problems, or deal with me when I have an annoying attitude.” Pidge’s voice was strained, and she was using all her might to not start crying because she knew Lance needed this reassurance, and there was no space for her to be wasting tears. She had to be strong when one of her teammates were weak. “I know you don’t understand any of the techno bull I do when I’m alone, but you hang out anyway. I’m always so lonely in my room, even though it seems like I want to be alone. It’s really nice to have someone who will talk to you, or make a big deal out of what you do, even when they don’t understand it or aren’t personally interested. This shows how caring, and selfless you are.” Lance shyly peeked up at Pidge, all traces of agitation slowly fading from his expression. Instead it was replaced with a weak emotion. Hunk could tell in his mind he was probably still battling his insecurities.

“I think you’re plenty funny, Lance, and you’re the first friend I ever made at the Garrison which means so much to me. I didn’t think I’d make friends, because I had issues with anxiety, but you were so easy going and accepting. My appearance, my personality and where I’m from never mattered to you. All you wanted from me was someone to talk to and befriend, and that’s all I needed. You were  _ always  _ there for me, and you were one of my biggest support systems. You brought me out of my shell, and made me take more risks. You helped me to live my life, and held my hand through my anxiety. You never left me, even when I had panic attacks at inconvenient times.” Lance smiled at Hunk, and slowly uncrossed his arms.

“I have to apologize. I should have never implied that you were selfish. I got defensive, and a little scared, if that’s okay for me to admit.” Allura apologized. “I’m so worried one of you will leave the cause, and this family. My whole race is dead. I can’t handle another loss. Lance, if you forfeited your place as the Paladin of the Blue Lion, and a member of our family, the loss would be profound. You matter so much to me, and your friends.” Everyone in the room nodded. “And I never tell you this, I guess because I thought your ego didn’t need to be stroked, but… Whenever we visit planets, you’re always a crowd favorite. You may say some… Unprofessional things, but leaders love seeing someone as free spirited and accepting as you. Especially because lot’s of these citizens we liberate are coming from a dark time, and the negotiations and full round of questioning from us is stressful. Your presence is extremely calming, and that is one of the reasons why the Blue Lion chose you. Your ability to feel empathy surpasses most of the Paladins on this team.”

“You guys…” Lance was speechless. He was so lost in this dark funk, that he was seriously considering leaving the team. Leaving his family. Maybe he wasn’t the best at hand to hand combat, or couldn’t program a robot, or wasn’t the leader, but that didn’t mean he amounted to about nothing. He realizes he was so stuck in the mindset of comparing himself to his friends, that he never took a look at himself to reflect on what he had done. Every accomplishment he thought he made, another team member would do something he believed to be more honorable. Lance mind was making him consider dangerous tactics to feel like he was  _ worth  _ something.

Keith slowly stood up and began to make his way to the couch where Lance was sitting. He sat next to him, not too close, and grabbed his hand.

“I think that. We.. Made you feel this way. We never thanked you for some of the things you did, we never told you when you were doing well. I can usually self evaluate, so for me it’s not always necessary to hear a verbal praise, but everyone is different. And I know these days I’ve been really hard on you…” Keith awkwardly attempted to maintain eye contact with Lance. “I have the same fears as Allura. I don’t want to lose you. To lose any of you. I still have no idea who my mom or dad was, and I never had something like  _ this.  _ I don’t want you to get hurt, or even worse, killed. I’m being hard on you to make up for every time you saved my life.” Lance was silently crying tears now, using his other hand to wipe them away.

“I hope to become a better leader. Thank you so much for opening up to us.”

“Dude, don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. I promise you, we’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”

“Yeah, big brother.” 

For once in his life, Lance felt like he was enough. He knew it probably wouldn’t last long, but he had this whole conversation to go back on. His parents always told him he cared too much about other people’s opinion, but that was just who he was. In his life, he would surround himself with popular people to try and seem cool to other people, but the way he was treated in those groups only worsened his perspective. All through middle school and the time he spent at high school, he was changing the way he dressed, acted, what he liked, all to try and appeal to the people around him. He would be tossed around from group to group, because fads changed, and his own interest would wane. Opening up to people wasn’t seen as “cool”, so he never did it. In his life he opened up to his family, his friends from middle school, and a couple girlfriends he had. When he asked what he should do, how he should dress, or who he should be, never had he been told to just be himself, unless it was from his family. He realized that this is what friendship feels like. To be comfortable as yourself. The tears fell and fell, but he wasn’t sad.

“Thank you so much you guys. How about a hug?” Pidge, Hunk and Allura moved forward to hug him, and Keith watched them, smiling. Lance knew he could count on them if he ever ended up in the same dark place. He wasn’t alone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Later, before getting ready to sleep, a voice called to him.

 

_ My Paladin, I’m so proud of you. I’m hoping your family helps you see yourself in a better light. Every Paladin I have had has been different in their own way, and I cherish and love each and every one. You’re so young, but full of big ideas and hopes and dreams. I will help you to make those dreams and ideas come true, all I ask is that you confide in your friends and I whenever you feel the need to. Those tears you cried, you will cry more of, my dear. Not only because our element is water, but because of your hyper-empathy.  You feel what they feel. This will cause you to experience emotions, lots of times sadness, and that’s the burden you will carry. But you will understand what others are going through much easier. People will come to you for comfort.  _

_ You are the main support for you team on the battlefield and emotionally. It is a difficult task, but this is one of the biggest reasons why I chose you. I know you can handle this. You are already growing and becoming the person I foresaw.  _

_ I love you, my cub, and remember, you are enough.  _

  
_ You are enough.  _

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one-sitting. I hyper-focused and just shat this out. I really hope its okay? I got one beta, Eliza, who was super nice enough to read this whole thing.... Thank you so much!  
> I hope I didnt write myself in circles in this fanfiction? Also if any phrases are backwards or jumbled up, thats because my head scrambled them all. I think I fixed all of them before publishing, but I'm really sorry if there still are some.  
> Langst is really good, but only when all the team members come together and talk it out. I dislike langst where the other character are turned into villains. Also can you believe the pressure put on Keith to be a good leader? Please fandom have more sympathy for leader/Black Paladin Keith.  
> Pray with me for a good season 3.


End file.
